stop caring about your 'self'

Been planning this one out in my head for a little bit now. Thought I might draw a flow chart. But too lazy, I'll be able to organize these things in text anyway. So, this post is about how to stop caring about your 'self'. This means to stop caring about what other people say about you, how to feel comfortable with what makes your essence you and how to make other people comfortable with you too.

People with low self-esteem
When I think about people with low self-esteem and how I used to be there. It really just started off with other people hating me. It started when I was 8 and I can remember when it first hit me that other people could dislike what made me, me. I think our most fundamental personality traits show up when we're young. So I had my two best friends and we formed a club and my bossy nature just got worse. Till a point when I remember that one day they were completely ignoring me and being secretive by passing a note RIGHT next to me. Me, being sneaky and somewhat conniving, stole the note when it fell on the floor and they didn't notice. It was just basically a hate note, of all the things they didn't like about me, and that started a seed of self-hate that lasted for ages.

I could never deal with the fact that there was a single person who hated me, because I felt like why should they, you know? I began to take their feedback about what they didn't like about me and pick at it at night. I mean, there were some sources constantly telling me what was wrong with me but I think my biggest critic was me. It got particularly bad when I hit pre-teenhood and I started thinking suicidally starting age 11. Other things like cyber-bullying were a factor, and I've had too many encounters with it but like all things, I think you get apathetic after a while and you start to harden emotionally when you're exposed to things too much.

I haven't really been able to accept myself until recently, and I mean it really just involved thinking about everything that's around us. What if everything disappeared tomorrow? What if everyone and everything just stopped existing, no one and nothing would matter ever at all. I just think that's how you evade problems too. Why would anything matter if nothing existed? I also just remember that everyone else is just trying to exist too and no one is a better human being than anyone else. But sometimes to help myself visualize the whole "nothing matters" thing, I just close my eyes and watch the world explode. If anyone else has any particular issues with their 'selves', I'll definitely try to help over ask.fm because I know this was rather general. Discussion always leads to the best answers.

People with "lost selves"
I've been seeing this a lot lately. With lots of people pleased with themselves and where they are now, but are terrified for the future. Maybe because the future holds so much uncertainty. And you know what? It isn't necessarily only about what kind of job you're going to have or if you're going to be happy about the future. I think it's also okay to be clueless about what makes you, you. Recently, as comfortable as I am about things, I'm still unsure what makes me, me. Is it possible to ever really pin-point and put down on paper? Like when you're asked to fill out a section "about you", could you really ever do it?

I think it's also okay for people to be "lost" about other aspects in life. I was very lost in the topics of love a little while ago. This massive debate on monogamy, polygamy, polyamory going on in my head. I think as a part of my personality, I really don't like to be lost and it made me react terribly. But you know what? I'm entirely fine in this department now. After 2 months of searching. So if you consider yourself a "lost" soul, isolate what makes you feel so lost first. It's like a cancer I suppose, if you know where it's coming from you can target it and get rid of it altogether.

People with too much self-esteem
This is generally just unpleasant for all. Everyone knows those people who behave like they're "all that" and I actually doubt that anyone who's going to read this is going to acknowledge that they have too much self-esteem. But basically, all I have to say about this is that just don't. Lives are lives. Yours isn't better than anyone else's and the path to true happiness is to put your effort into other people's happiness because that means you made feelings, and not something material!

Enough rambling, because let's face it. This was a huge ramble. My ask.fm is available for awkward questions, or philosophical discussion. We all know that I'm actually very nerdy. On a side note, I leave for Bristol on the 25th instead of well, today. So much to do, and I really just want. To. Sit.

Yumi and The Weather

Recently found this gem of a band. Hailing from Brighton, Ruby Taylor aka Yumi and the Weather has pieced together all these amazing bits of electronic music to compliment your ears at any time. Give "All We Can" a little listen. The introduction is a little bit intense but it gets most soothing - best for any kind of travel.

Life Update: Travely travely.

I thought that maybe instead of ranting all the time about philosophical concepts, I'd talk a little bit about my life. Idk. My summer, where I've been and stuff.

So just to get everybody up to date on what I've actually done to get into uni, I'll make it clear that I went to Bellerbys College in Cambridge to do a Law and Politics Foundation course. People get a little confused when I told them I didn't do A-levels OR ib. I'm just going to say, I took the path that was right for me and the path that I wanted. IN OTHER WORDS, if you know what you want to do in uni, then maybe you should consider a foundation program if you still have the choice. But you know what? I'll probably explain a little better about learning and how to find the right school program for you in my later post.

So I spent my first month of my summer in Cambridge doing lots of silly. Petting owls, sitting on grass, eating a lot and going to London sometimes to walk about. But I actually mostly stayed in Cambridge. Got to see my second or third cousins from my dad's side in Surrey for like a day and a bit in the beginning. But it was really a multitude of sitting around watching many many dvds. I also managed to go down to Bristol with Dylan to look at it and get a feeeels of where I'm going to live because really, I've only spent that ONE day in Bristol.

me and Tim in Guildford eating Japanese. See da relation?

just silly grass sitting. very silly.

me and Dylan very tired on the train from Bristol to Cambridge. 

After some sad and fussiness about leaving the UK and coming back to Singapore, I eventually did as you all might know. And on facebook there is a PLENTITUDE of photos of what I did ie clubbing, seeing some friends and stuff. Then I went to Japan! My dad had to attend a conference in Kyoto, so me and my mother just tagged along and it was best fun. We were part of a tour program for people who tagged along with attendees so there was a lot for me and my momato to do in Kyoto:

These are just photos of me at a tofu restaurant, where the lunch was entirely consistent of...tofu. Soft tofu, medium firm tofu and firm tofu and tofu dessert. I kidd thou not. I liked it, and was probably getting all the protein I needed but I think on a daily I would crave more flavors and then fail at being healthy.  :( I would post more photos but we didn't actually take thaaat many. After we went to Kyoto, we went to Tokyo for a bit, to me, the best city in the world. I'd really rather be no where else. 

Again, not many photos, but me and Momato went about to Shibuya, Shimokitazawa, Shinjuku and we stayed in Hibiya which is near Ginza. On a whim, we also signed ourselves up for a Mount Fuji-Hakone tour. I got to stock up on clothes and got to buy lots of random things. (that I love) 

Shimokitazawa is probably my favorite area in Tokyo though. It would be known as the "hipster suburb" and has an eclectic collection of cheap vintage clothing, tiny Japanese cafés, and antique stores. Down here, I've been able to find a classic viewfinder and viewfinder reels at a store called Time Machine, where I met an interesting man who travels the US and the UK going around garage sales looking for antiques for his shop. He told me he would do it for 2 months at a time. 

The ¥990 store that I went to was called "Ragla Magla" and I can't advise you on how to get there 

once you get to Shimokitazawa station. You have to map it out before you get there, sorry. :( This place was 

fantastic though! All these clothes, bags, shoes, jewelry that was vintage/secondhand. The store manager

was most helpful with finding things I wanted (flannels etc) and gave off a vibe of being genuinely very 

nice! But then again, in retail, that's mostly the vibe you get in Japan anyway. 

Frontage of the store, photo taken from Tokyo Cheapo who gave me the tip in the first place!!

 

10/10 would go again. 5eva n alwys.

Yes, I know I'm wearing the same dress in every photo I have of me in Japan. I really did have more clothes though. I just think the dress came out nicest in all the photos I have ahhahaha. And as usual, next to the hotel we stay at there is a sushi shop that is just. Great. Super authentic and popular with the working crowd from Ginza. It was great because I got given a tiny ikura sushi (no really, very tiny like three grains of rice, one ikura and tiny nori around it) because the sushi chef decided to treat me ^_^ 

Look like a wreck because we traveled from Kyoto to Tokyo on the Shinkansen that day. Isss me and my dadish.

I am a happy camper.

After that I returned to Singapore and did a whole lot of silly with Stiff and clubbing, which is pretty much what I'm doing now. Photos can be found on facebook. Choose to stalk me there!!! But then I decided to go to Sydney for reasons that I don't think SHOULD be publishable on the internet but that's okay. Close friends probs know. But no worries, I went to Sydney and got to hang out with my Momato some more.

It was pretty boring. We went to Market City whenever we could to look at. Things and went to watch the imax show about monarch butterflies. That was great. So much nature and butterflies all over the screen! Momato fell asleep but I loved it. So free that we managed to watch two operas at the Sydney Opera House. "Don Pasquale" and "La Traviata". Don Pasquale was more based off Commedia Dell'arte which I had to study in ib drama, I really had fun doing it actually. But for those that don't know, it's Italian comedy that is basically the parent of all comedy that we see today in movies and tv! I'm not going to go into detail because maybe it's a bit boring idk. La Traviata was a serious opera that they've actually also just done in Singapore. It is sad, but the sets in Sydney were amazing (!) and so was the costuming! My mouth was just hanging open the entire time. Anyway, two weeks of bonding with my momato and then back to Singapore. 

i'm just a girl eating an ice-cream in front of a church with an american apparel bag.

selfie with my mom and luwee's mom in front of sydney opera house okay.

"Grab the bull by the horns yo"

in front of beloved Market City

upgraded to business class yay.

dis wat i did when i hung out wit da momato.

And now I've been back in Singapore for quite a bit, if I'm not wrong, two weeks of just sitting, getting fat and hanging out with Stiff and seeing some other friends. Working on making a photo set of film photos of all that so maybe another time. Personal post not going to come for ages. I want to focus on philosophical concepts to spread the wurd but have to keep things interesting for people somehow right?

human unity part ii. (hatred)

8:03AM I've been awake since 6 or something. Here is a picture of a breadcat because I just felt that no one would read and I think the things I say might be useful or even insightful to people who like to think. That's all. Mostly because I think I've had enough sleep over the past few days and my body is allowing me to be awake more. It's raining again and so, the weather is absolutely perfect because I really can't think when it's sunny.

I think in all the silly political disarray at the moment that this post should come in nifty/useful/handy. At 11, being a child who felt like they had no friends, I picked up "How To Win Friends And Influence People (For Teenage Girls)". Lol I know I was 11 but there was no child version because I don't think any other 11 year olds would be picking up books on how to make friends. Anyways, the tip that has always really struck me from the book (because I never read it that far) was that you should always look at other people's paradigms. In absolutely simple terms, it is to put yourself entirely in someone else's shoes. 

At first this sounds really oversaid and overdone. But there is so much hatred all over the world that I feel the need to explain what it means to me. (if it helps other people) Hatred, a word that genuinely means to be passionate about disliking someone is really very silly. There are going to be people in this world who behave in a certain way that will annoy you and the people who are going to do things to you that would "disrespect your existence" as I love saying.

Make excuses for the people who annoy you. I think that it's easiest just to remember that the other person is a person too with feelings and history and a memory. If they exhibit behavior that annoys you, come up with an excuse for why they're behaving that way. For example, someone on the street who bumps into you could've been having a really really bad day or could've just never been taught that bumping into people was bad because in some countries, it really just IS the way to get around when there are too many people. On a more personal level, let's just say...a friend said something offensive about you behind your back or you just don't like how a friend is behaving. I don't know. I've just been facing this a lot lately.

If that person is a friend, I really don't think they would say something behind your back or cause something bad to happen to you on purpose. I think there could be three possible reasons for this kind of situation a) your friend is clueless that you find it offensive b) your friend is doing it on purpose because they are annoyed with your behavior in some way c) you really just don't get along, but only come to this option when you've figured out if it was the other two. And the way to do this is to just talk.

A personal problem for me is that I don't talk to people much when I get annoyed with them because in the past, when I have tried to point out what has gone wrong or when I've started a conversation slightly angry, which I'm assuming is how things go since annoyance leads to anger, the situation is hard to diffuse if the other person is completely closed so I just run away and ignore people who annoy me. Even close friends.

But you know what? I really don't have very many problems with people I like. Maybe it's age, maybe it's maturity. Once you learn to let go of caring about your self, you're generally a happier person and you generally end up making everyone else happy too.

I think in the next few days to come I'll write about how to let go of your self (because I think letting go of caring about your self is very difficult) and about why learning has been construed by what the school system has become. Maybe I'll even write about religion, OoOoH.

human unity. part i.

This should be rather interesting to read. I feel nowadays that people are more selfish. Understandably, in any kind of animal nature, we put our individual instincts to survive for ourselves first. It's an "every man for himself" kind of society in most countries.

But I think that when families are formed, if we observe animals like wolves for example or any other hunting animal. They form their packs and hunt and you know, encourage things like team work and such. It's just like society's somehow forgotten this kind of aspect. Politically anyway. I mean, not that anybody on the political stage has an actual opinion since everything is being orchestrated from behind the scenes by people we don't know. (in my conspiracy theory world anyway) But anyway, my point is that our world seems primarily concerned with themselves and themselves only.

Maybe a world of peace and convenience is causing people to think about things so minor that they can't see past what should really be important. Which, I think should be caring for other people. Not just you, not just your family, not just friends. It should be caring for everyone. Not to a point where you stop a stranger on the street and ask them how their day is going or ask them how their lives are going (although I do this on trains and stuff) but to a point where you're polite to everyone.

Manners I think were created for people to respect other people's lives (or my favorite way of putting it, peoples' existences) You bump into someone, you apologize because maybe by bumping into them you hurt that particular bit of their body which is really just part of their existence. The fact that that other person also exists out of nothing.

Hatred is a completely different story and very easy to let go of. But I think this is enough to stomach for now and I will write more later. I guess. -shrug-?

other people.

It's 5.31AM and I have decided to start a blog because I have my diary but I think it would be interesting for other people to look at my brain. This first blog post comes as a kind of thought on other people.

Society is such an interesting thing. Here we are, born into the world with no knowledge (not that any one really knows) about how to behave around other people or how to live. We just grow and grow and if any undesirable traits exist, we have pressures from other people to shape and mold how we behave. No human wants to create unnecessary pressure for themselves and yet so many of us do.

I say these things because recently, I've had to deal with a lot of people getting angry at me very easily. In my own personal defence, I haven't been saying anything particularly provoking I think that maybe perhaps people misunderstand my tone from all my punctuation.

Not that this bothers me too much, it's just given me the chance to reflect on how this would work. If undesirable behavior continued by someone who wanted to live in society (so someone sociable because I suppose the opposite of this would be a lone-wolf, which does happen! but society finds them strange you know?) people would react in ways of isolating someone. I guess that social gene that exists in all of us would then cause someone to feel alone and want to make friends again. But they'd only correct that behavior if they didn't have friends. Wow!

So either people nowadays are getting really patient with each other, or rude undesirable traits are just simply being promoted amongst everyone.

great.